March 31, 2020

Ferdinand Magellan. Vasco de Gama. Sir Francis Drake. Leif Erickson. These are all names of so-called explorers whose exploits will seem like meagre trifles compared to my greatest accomplishment. My correspondences, dear editor, have been sparse over these cold winter months. It is not from some hardship, but from a desire to present to you hard evidence that a ‘squatch stalks among the silent sentries of College Woods. This mild winter has been both a blessing and a curse for a truth seeker such as myself. The lack of snow has made my more frequent trips to the woods more palatable. However, the lack of snow has made it difficult for me to effectively track the beast’s movements. And since that fateful night passed in the woods, my quarry has eluded me.

It started, as most interesting stories seem to, at the stroke of midnight. At the twelfth toll of the twelfth hour, my companions and I became aware that something e...

January 29, 2020

I’m both touched and unsurprised by the feedback I’ve received from you, fellow truth seeker. You, the people, have reached out to me through the metaphorical grapevine, to share your own personal experiences with the Creature of College Woods. I must say that I’m flattered that you would rightfully trust me with your stories. However, I must say that the number of suspect or unverifiable tales has proved worthless to me. 

Even though I am a mere amateur, I am supremely confident in my ability to ferret out nuggets of truth from even the farthest-fetched stories. Here is what I’ve been able to glean from all of my correspondences:

  1. The creature is between 6 and 7 feet tall

  2. The creature has dark brown fur and is most active at night

  3. I have received enough matching descriptions from witnesses to warrant a full study

I sallied forth equipped with these findings, which despite the simplistic derivation, fills...

April 30, 2019

I hate the word bitch.

I hate it when it’s used by anyone, but I especially hate to use it myself. I’ll be honest—I use it all the time. I throw it out as a joke, I refer to myself as one, hell, I even use it as a verb. It’s very effective and really gets the point across. But I can’t stand it when it’s used in anger to bring someone down.

Now that you know that it’s not just any word to me, i hope you can fully grasp how strongly I must feel when I say the following:

My roommate is a real c***.

Two years ago, I moved in with three girls who already knew each other. Two of them had lived together the year before, and they had met and befriended the third during that time. I had applied to be an RA, and everyone I spoke to told me I would get it. It was such a sure thing that I—even being the wildly anal-retentive person that I am—didn’t have a back-up plan for where I would live if I didn’t get the position.

For those of y...

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