1. If it’s yellow, let it mellow
Pee is sterile, so ignore the pleas of your roommates and never flush the toilet. This will save water as well as the very valuable 4 seconds you would have spent cleaning up after yourself. Make sure to announce the snappy rhyme whenever encouraged by the people around you to stop being so disgusting.
Buy one Mason jar. Leave it in the back of your hot, stinky car for the entire semester. Use it for all beverage needs — water, coffee, it’s all good. Your one sticky jar can save you a fortune on plastic water bottles and many coffee shops will even give you a discount for bringing your own container so they won’t have to waste a paper cup. Make sure to only rinse it out at the Hydration Stations around campus to guarantee all of your water will have the lingering taste of black coffee; this is the taste of sustainability.
3. Ziplock Bags
Reduce, reuse, recycle! Save the Ziplock bags from your drug dealer and use them to pack lunch. No need to waste plastic. Or, try Bee's Wrap, a reusable plastic wrap alternative that you can wash and use for many a sandwich.
Composting consists of collecting food scraps. Over time, these will decompose into soil. It’s very effective yet not very efficient. Not to mention the fact that this might be difficult to execute in a dorm room. We’ve found the answer to your problems — they’re worms. Adding red wigglers to your compost will expedite the process and also mask the smell of the decomposing life matter. This can be done in a airtight plastic bin that could fit just about anywhere. Try not to mention to your RA that you have a worm collection under your bed. When the worms are done you can plant a garden with the soil as an apology to whoever you live with.
5. Straight up mooch
Purposefully miss the bus and then call all of your friends to ask for a ride. You might be using unnecessary gasoline but, hey, at least you carpooled, right?
6. Pick up your butts
Make sure everything you own reeks like a speakeasy at the airport in 1969. Instead of throwing your cigarette butts on the ground, where they will never discompose, stick them in your pocket and let everyone know that while you might make bad choices, at least you take responsibility for them.
7. Take notes
Instead of wasting more paper, take all of your notes on the backside of the Dominos coupons delivered to your door. Who needs a fancy notebook when you can use Market Basket flyers to write down formulas and equations? Make sure to let everyone around you know how sustainable you are as you slowly fail the class.