Burritos Of The Stars

We here at Main Street value two things above all others: burritos and bullshit astrology. So we took the liberty of sitting down and cranking out what your order should be based off your sun zodiac sign (the one you’ve known since you were, like, twelve.) Now this isn’t exactly our best guess at what your actual order is, it’s what we think you should be ordering based on your personality traits, and why.

 

ARIES (March 21st – April 19th)

I’m going to be honest. It doesn’t matter what you order as long as it has the spiciest salsa available on it. You surround your life with chaos and spice and want to prove to everyone your mouth can handle the challenge *wink*. You may even make sure the people making your burrito put on extra of the spice just so everyone around you knows what’s up.

 

TAURUS (April 20th – May 20th)

You get to the line and know exactly what you want. You order a chicken burrito on a white tortilla with light sour cream and mild salsa. You go for this because let’s be real, you’re trying to ball on a budget here. Sure the mushroom burrito looks interesting, but what if you don’t like it? Not worth the $8. Might as well stay with a classic you know that you’re going to moderately enjoy.

 

GEMINI (May 21st – June 20th)

Are you ready for this? You might want a pen to get it down. You want a wheat tortilla, brown rice….oh you don’t have that anymore…? Uh I guess white is fine, refried beans, ground beef, and extra sour cream. You began this order thinking you wanted to be healthy then, damn. Your indulgent side took over and you started listening to your stomach. I mean the wheat tortilla totally cancels out the extra sour cream…right?

 

CANCER (June 21st – July 22nd)

You don’t want a burrito at all. You want a veggie quesadilla with extra veggies. Burritos have too much going on in them, you want to know what you’re going to get with every bite. But mostly you want the quesadilla because when you were a kid your mum made you quesadillas all the time, probably because you were (and still are) lazy af, but we can pretend it’s because you want the comfort.  

 

LEO (July 23rd – August 2nd)

Let’s be real. You want a steak burrito with the special salsa not on the menu that you have to specifically request. Why? Because we all know that steak is the pinnacle of meat. Sure it costs you $10 for a burrito that likely is more like $2 to make but you want everyone to know that money is no object.

Because you’re worth it.

 

VIRGO (August 3rd – September 22nd)

You want a wheat tortilla. White rice. Cheese. Black beans. Sweet potato. Pulled Pork. A carrot habanero. Lettuce. Avocado. No sour cream. The people at the burrito place already know your order when you walk in because let’s be real you’re fucking weird and specific. Also because they know you’ll send it back if they accidently put a different salsa or add sour cream. It took you awhile to figure out your perfect mix of fillings, but now that you know you’re never going back.

 

LIBRA (September 23rd – October 22nd)

You order a bowl--less calories--less carbs. A blanket of rice with a touch of cheese and black beans. You get chicken and veggies. With a perfect layout of lettuce, salsa, and avocado. The sour cream is even in a nice spiral. It’s aesthetically beautiful. So much balance. You post an Insta story of it. Life is nice.

 

SCORPIO (October 23rd – November 21st)

You know exactly what you want. You want to confuse them. Sweet potato with chipotle mayo and pulled pork with the smallest amount of the spiciest salsa. You take pride in your spice but you know that you can’t handle too much of it and you’re sweet to your core. You’re a little eclectic and so are your food choices. Rock on Scorpio.

 

SAGGITARIUS (November 22nd – December 21st)

Honestly it doesn’t matter what you ordered because you called it in for pickup while you were at your morning internship for some quick brain fuel before you go study in the library for a few hours. Every time you come in the staff asks you about the last project you couldn’t stop talking about the last time you came in. It takes you a second to remember what they’re referring to but you inform them that you’ve long moved on from that and are onto something new.

 

CAPRICORN (December 22nd – January 19th)

Okay so let’s pretend I didn’t just put down this burrito as Capricorn’s because it’s my burrito order and I’m a Capricorn. I can justify it I swear. So we’re working with wheat tortilla, brown rice, cheese, no beans because fuck beans or maybe light beans. Pulled pork. Chipotle mayo, salsa picante, and lettuce. Roll it tight. You’re calculating. You know exactly what you want and you’re very rational about the price and the ways that you can make this burrito yours. It’s a leader burrito. It’s a stubborn burrito. When you inevitably find a bean in it you’ll be ticked off even though like the taste of beans. But don’t worry, you’ll always tip.

 

AQUARIUS (January 20th – February 18th)

 

You’re ordering a fish burrito on white with chipotle mayo. You like how the fish is locally sourced by fisherman who you might run into in a bar when you’re spending your time around Maine. The server asked you how your day was going but you just went into your order instead of responding. Oops.

 

Pisces (February 19th – March 20th)

Wheat. Rice. Beans. No cheese. Tofu. The mildest salsa you got. Yogurt. Lettuce. Pisces you’re proud of your low impact burrito. You get distracted by how weird the word tofu is and you think about it and where it could have come from for a really long time while you wait. The person making it calls it out four times before you snap back to reality and thank them. You eat it with a smile on your face while thinking about what a bundle of joy burritos are.

 

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